i'm not in love with myself the way i used to be

maybe the reason why i feel so 'tired' these days is because i'm not in love with myself the way i used to be. i used to shower as clean as i can i mean, take as much as time in the shower room when i got so suffocated or too bored with my room or anything. now, shower no longer an indulgence for myself and somehow, even though i feel i take care of myself better in the sense of i shaves, i use more hair product and all, but the way i'm doing it is just like a routine instead of my delight. so, from that, i draw a conclusion that i'm no longer so in love with myself the way i used to be.
and somehow i just cant be proud of myself which restrict me from expressing my feeling freely and make me even more sure that i have very high level in neuroticism. is that even a correct spelling?! well basically people with high level of this neuroticism will show every symptoms exactly like mine. over self-conscious and shy. in this way i do feel that i'm over self-conscious that i will think million of time before talking, doing anything, like literary everything, talking, answering question, respond in group discussion, drinking, eating, breathing, etc!
seriously i'm rambling i dunno where, but i also do want to say that this very night i feel kinda alive, feel kinda vigorous that i can actually write like this, i mean some feeling that i've never experience quite a while.
thank's to my friend vega and the dance group, and AJ rafael and friends, little by little i'll try to open up again my mind and thus fix whatever broken in my life,

that's all for now,
g0od night and hope u also feel more alive like i do now!
cheers,,

-vANIa-

just to see how unproductive i am,,

i was just normally sitting while surfing the net without any certain intention, then i came across one of my high school friend's blog. i didnt read thru all, but i just had a quick glance yet it more than enough to ring the bell in my head "man, what am i doing all this time?!" i've done nothing but try to rooting my existence, pretend to be just happy and alive, enjoy life to the fullest, but those all are rubbish. i don't product anything valuable or worth seeing, my life is completely hedonistic without anything can be seen as inspiration.
that's why also i changed the sub title on my blog, well it's in indonesian but the translation would be likely "a blog of a hypocrite schooler". i do feel that i'm a hypocrite, as i knew things go wrong with me, yet never put any bit effort to fix it.
recently i've been watching this movie, Gokusen, a japanese drama about a passionate teacher who always deal with the worst trouble maker students at school. well, it taught me alot of things, and one thing i always remember is once she said this to her students "u can always start over ur life anytime u feel u need to, just take the first step to change". in one way it could be an inspiration for me to change right away, but instead i use it for protecting my comfort by saying "if i can start over anytime i want, why change now?"
see, such a useless person here realizes that she's useless, yet keep persistence with whatever condition she is at right now without any intention to actually do something about it,
LOSER!
i'm fail before even trying,,

regard,

-vANIa-
a hypocrite schooler,

live life to the fullest

when i come to think of my life, it's easier, way easier indeed to waste it absent-mindedly, but at the end of the day it's me who regret it as my life went on without even i'm noticing it. i always hear people say that we have to live our life to the fullest, yet i never know what is it supposed to mean.
and there is this quote i found while lightly surf through the net,

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

well, it simply tells me that we should not bordered by anything in life to try out each and every new things. don't let fear frighten you.


but at times i'm just too lazy to realized that filled-life that is counted and not some wastefull-emptied-life.



best regard,
_v who doesnt even try to live her life to the fullest,,
she died when she stops searching.

haiy0o,

this is the first day i've been doing my repentance day, going quite well in the morning that i really have spirit to actually begin my day with prayer and Godly happiness. but, by the time i reach home and touch my mylo, those all are like disapearing, as soon as i open my email and start watching something, directly i'm s0o into it that i cannot do any other things. i cannot even think of any activities - i mean fruitfull activities to do. i'm supposed to study actually as i have exam tomorrow, yet i keep calming myself by saying that tom's exam is only mcq tht you can do it easily. it's not about the study though i'm concerning. it's about how attach i am with my laptop and movie that i cannot even touch any other things.
well, i know i have to work on it, but slowly slowly, i mean i've already make my pace, so all i need to do is stay away from laptop as long as i can, because as s0on as i touch it, i'll be engross by it,,
at least now i again find my fondness to newspaper, everyday i have to read it no matter what. that is one thing rite?!
s0o, i'm just reporting my activities today,
I'm not really in the high m0od to write something deep even about myself,
s0o, cu all folks tom,
have a g0od nite,,

-vANIa-